Being loved in my mistakes

I wanted to reflect on a experience I had the other day and how it lead me to this realization. The realization that I was never loved in my mistakes, at least it was never expressed in such a way.

Growing up in aa emotionally unavailable household, I learned to regulate myself the best to my abilities, in order to survive, right, as many children adapt. Not saying it is right but it just is how it is, lets be honest. I learned that my negative emotions, my big emotions were bad and I had to apologize for them, even when the emotions weren’t cause by me. Mistakes were bad, nothing was ever explained or talked through. When I was a kid, my mistakes meant that I am not worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of love in these moments.

So being wrong or making a mistake meant abandonment. As an adult, I don’t like confrontation and with people closest to me, I find myself still being kind of scares of that. In my body, it still means that I am going to be abandoned when I make a mistake.

A few days ago I had this experience where I felt like I wanted to just be by myself, go for a walk and deep dive in a creation. Instead I saw a long voice note from a dear friend. I felt a big NO in my body, I had no space or energy to listen. But I did anyway, which is the first place I made a wrong decision for myself.

As I listen to her voice note, I gradually felt more tired and started feeling all the energy and things that were wrong in her story and experience. So I gave her feedback about what I felt and saw energetically while she was talking. And then she responded: ’No, you’re are not hearing me, this is not me you are talking about!’’

She was right!

I listened back to a few voice notes I had sent to her in response and then heard it myself! I went to into it and I didn’t hear my friend but instead I was more attuned to the frequency of the problem, that wasn’t even hers mind you. Anyway, that is not the point!

The point is that I apologized to her, but inside I felt fear. I was wrong! I said the wrong things, I ruined her mood, it is my fault. I was tired, I didn’t have the energy to listen in the first place. All up until I told myself our loud like, yeah, so what if she stops talking to you now, would it be the end of the world?!

And that crazy scenario snapped me out of my shadow spiral and of course the truth is that all is well and we’re good!

But then she responded: ‘I love You, unconditionally, all is well!’

And my worry and anxiety faded away.

I didn’t need her saying that, I know I would have dissolved that emotion myself. But that sentence made me realize that I was never told that I am Loved Unconditionally, in my mistakes. I was always pushed away when I was inconvenient, emotional, when I made a mistake, when I was wrong.

In this moment she saw the layers in me, she saw all of me and she loves me.

Even now, writing this I feel sad for little Karolin. I can see her, crying alone in her room. All she ever wanted was to be seen and heard by her loved ones. All she wanted was to be held when she fell apart. I still want that and I feel so blessed and happy that I am in this place in my life where I create connections where we mutually see, hear and hold each other and love all of one another, Unconditionally.

Love You Janet! Thank You for being in my life and for seeing and loving all of me!